Standing on the edge of a cliff. Ready to jump, into the sea below. A mix of fear, adrenaline, anxiety, excitement. Cliff Jumping: it is fun, it is a rush but there is always the brief moment before you jump. The quiet and personal moment where you prepare yourself, is it worth it, this is potentially dangerous, should I do it?
And then I jump.
During different seasons as a missionary I find myself back on the edge of the cliff. God is asking me to jump, unhindered, into whatever He is calling me to, but I find myself dwelling in the anxiety, the stress, and the what ifs rather than dwelling in Him. If I fully focused on God’s character all the time, there would be no hesitation, and I would have already jumped. But I am so very human and often I forget the character of God. Sometimes it takes me a while to jump.
Complete, extravagant, simple trust. Trust. That is what the Father wants for us.
I break down, I want to back away from the cliff, I start to step away and then I remember: the beauty and the faithfulness of God, the miracles I've seen, the people's lives I've seen touched by God, the moments I’ve witnessed a child of God come to know Him as Father, all the adventures I've had with God all over the world- I take a moment to remember and I know it is all worth it. I step back towards the cliff, I prepare to jump. I remember when I only had 70$ in my bank account and God asked me to give $60 away to another missionary. Later that day I got a job that would pay me exactly $60. I remember how God fully provided for me to go to the university of my dreams, without taking out any student loans, to get an amazing education and community that I never even imagined was possible for myself.
As a child I never worried about whether my parents would feed me, or give me a roof over my head, or take care of me when I was sick. I simply trusted, and they took care of everything. That is how God wants us to be with Him, to be expectant for Him to fully take care of us. He is a good, good Father. You can trust in a good Father.
Mt. Huashan, China: is known as one of the most terrifying and dangerous hikes in the world. A plank trail of wooden platforms, bolted to the mountainside, thousands of feet in the air, hikers inch along these platforms and take in the thrilling beauty of the surrounding areas. It is rumored that people falling to their deaths on this trail is not an uncommon occurrence. Scary right?
One day as I was praying about the things I am currently wrestling through, praying through the list of things that are holding me back from jumping. God gave me Isaiah 42:16 He then reminded me of the Mt. Huashan hike:
I’m not fully there yet, but I am getting there. I may fall back and hesitate sometimes, but I am always reminded of God’s faithfulness. This one thing I do know, God is trustworthy.
He is perfect in sovereignty, He perfect in love.
My prayer is:
To be one who is found faithful. One who will take the leap of faith, to not only jump into the water, but enjoy it. One who is willing to be led along precarious paths with complete, unhindered trust. One who submits fully to this adventure with God.
God is writing my story. He is safe to trust and He is a way better author than I could ever be. He knows what's best for me; As much as I am tempted, I refuse to try to create my own false version of the story. God knows how to give me abundance and I could never create that for myself.