If I’m completely honest-I don’t want to be writing this. I’ve been fighting this topic for so very long. My strategy has always been to avoid it, but the Lord relentlessly draws me back to this.
He is asking me to speak out, so here we are.
I have psoriasis. An auto-immune condition, that causes painful, raised, red patches to appear on the skin.
I tell myself: stay strong, it’s just a skin condition, it’s no big deal, why do you let it get to you? be strong, stop caring about it, it’s nothing, pull it together. But for me it is something. I’m being raw and real here- it’s hard, it's painful but I’m done stifling the pain and the struggle. There’s such a relief in me even typing that out right now.
Stress, lack of sleep, diet, pretty much most factors of normal everyday life-contribute to worsening psoriasis. There’s no cure and not many answers on what works to minimize it. I try not to live in a place of frustration from it, but that becomes the status quo for my life. Each time I find a new spot on my skin, frustration builds. People, with all the best intentions, point it out, frustration builds. Getting dressed, I see it covering my body, frustration builds. Flakes fall from my itchy and painful scalp, frustration builds. It’s a vicious cycle. Internal stress causes the psoriasis to get worse. The fact that the psoriasis is worse causes more stress and then you guessed it, the psoriasis gets even worse. Talk about frustration.
3 years ago now, I was spending time with Jesus, praying for breakthrough in healing and sharing my struggle with this condition, and I began to cry.
In that moment, I looked down at my bible and read these exact words:
"This is what the Lord the God of your father David, says: I have heard your prayer and seen your tears; I will heal you.” 2 Kings 20:5
These words were originally spoken to King Hezekiah, but they were spoke directly to my heart that day, and they speak to me today. God gave me a promise of healing and I was so encouraged. In expectancy, I started praying for the healing, but it didn’t come. It’s 3 years later and my psoriasis is probably the worst it’s ever been.
Somewhere along the line, I stopped praying for healing.
Somewhere along the line, I stopped believing.
Somewhere along the line, that promise became for me just a painful misunderstanding.
I hear miracles of healing all the time, yet somehow I haven’t been able to believe that, that facet of God’s character could possibly extend to me. In fear of getting let down, I didn’t want to believe for something bigger for myself.
Yet God is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow. He is unchanging, ever faithful, ever loving, ever true.
God is now stirring something up within me. I don’t understand why He hasn’t healed me yet, but I’m done allowing unbelief to rule. I will choose to actively believe for healing, even not knowing what it will look like. God doesn’t withhold things just to tease us. He’s not messing with me, this is no practical joke. He knows what He’s doing, and He has the whole picture. He has greater purposes, purposes that I might never understand, and that is okay.
I so strongly feel God asking me, challenging me, to stop accepting my psoriasis, the pain, the frustration and all that goes with it, as the ones that are victorious in my life. Christ is the victory in my life. It is so simple. That is the place I need to live out of: victory. He is calling me to greater freedom, greater abundance and new life and that is what I will run towards. I am done being paralyzed by fear and frustration.
My psoriasis doesn’t define who I am, I am Christ’s and there is so much more for me.